I can still see you sitting there late at night watching the Disney Channel. You sat there, watching those sitcom shows with a slight tinge of embarrassment. “Why am I watching a show for girls?” you asked yourself, curiously, despite Mom and Dad never telling you that shows were only meant for one gender. I guess some things we learn passively, absorbing gender norms like a sponge. I remember how much you lived vicariously through the lives of girls going through adolescence. For a while, I attributed your curiosity to a desire for companionship. Growing up as an only child wasn’t always easy, and it often got lonely. Now, with a new name and pronouns, I wonder if your attraction to these shows was a longing for a life that you couldn’t access. Perhaps, it was both.
As a child, I moved from cartoons to Disney Channel sitcoms. My parents graciously gave me an old TV and cable access. Using the magic of Video on Demand, I watched shows like “Girl Meets World” and “Liv and Maddie” for hours upon hours. They provided a window into a world that I knew I wanted in some way, but I didn’t have the words to understand why.
I knew enough about myself to understand that I was lonely. I grew up as an only child, so I felt like I was missing some kind of siblinghood. I thought I had found this in my first best friend. Unfortunately, our moms did not always feel the same. They would often tease us, telling us that they imagined us dating later in life. We tried to ignore these comments, but something was still staining our friendship. Why couldn’t we be sisters? Of course, the obvious answer is that nobody saw me as anything but a young boy and her as anything other than a young girl. To a heteronormative society, especially in the Bible Belt, girl + boy = eventual marriage. This first best-friendship lacked that feeling of pure camaraderie that I wanted so desperately.
So I looked for that feeling in TV shows. I remember wishing I could explore New York with my best friend or battle high school with my twin sister. Some nights, I would gather my pillows and set them against the wall as I watched TV, as an imitation of the bay window where Riley and Maya from “Girl Meets World” would hang out. I longed for the sisterhood that these characters had. I wanted people who were there for me through thick and thin, without the pressures of romantic attraction (something I barely understood at the time, yet was constantly forced upon me by surrounding adults). As I was socialized as a young boy, I was taught not to love my friends too much, but I wanted the platonic love that I wasn’t taught how to access. I attached myself to these shows not just because I wanted to have fun adventures, but because I wanted the kind of friendship these characters had.
What I want my younger self to know is: you will find the companionship you so desperately need, and it will come in such beautiful ways that you will never understand. You will find friends who will love and accept you, and they will come from places that you would never expect. Just hold on, you’ll start to breathe easier.
Surprisingly, the first friendships that made me feel loved unconditionally came in the form of brotherhood. My closest friend used to be a guy’s guy. He was outgoing and masculine. I never expected him to have the ability to help me when I realized I was different. Luckily, I was wrong. He has always been accepting of my identity, and over time, he has matured into the kindest man I know. He’s not alone. I’ve watched several of my friends, whom I merely expected not to hate me, become some of the most accepting and kind people I know. They’ve been here for me as I’ve developed my identity. My brothers have made the South habitable, and I never expected that acceptance to come from the people it has.
When I left for college in Massachusetts, I was scared to leave these friends behind, but I was excited to start the next chapter of my life, too. As my friendships started to form, I realized I was right to be optimistic. I’ve met so many people who have loved me through some of the hardest times of my life. The unconditional love that I’ve experienced is everything I had hoped for from college. It’s as though I’m experiencing the friendship that I saw in those TV shows that I watched as a kid. Every day, I realize that I’ve found people who see me as their sister. The people who have been by my side have affirmed me and guided me through these difficult times.
Ever since I started experimenting with my identity, I yearned for a type of friendship that would make me feel like myself. I’ve realized that I wished for this feeling before I even knew I was trans. Ever since I was a child, I’ve been searching for the unconditional love that is normal for people socialized as women. I want my younger self to know that it will come; just be patient. You might feel alone at times, but there are always people there who love you unconditionally, and they’ll affirm you and help you feel more like yourself than you ever have before. I think it’s important for trans youth to remember this. You’re valid for being scared for the future; it’s uncertain and terrifying. However, don’t lose sight of what is around you. Look for the people who love you; they’re there, and will always be there for you. That’s how we survive: with love– with our friends.
